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The Psychology of Happiness Concepts for a Happier more Harmonious life Published every 7th and 21st of the month July 21, 2002 Circulation 1300 Issue # 19 Focus - Communicating With Children ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ *May this issue find you well and happy on all levels of your being.* ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ KNOW SOMEONE who would benefit from this important information? Forward it or Print it for them. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ You can view this and previous issues with greater ease by clicking here http://www.holisticharmony.com/clarity/ ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ Unsubscribe instructions are at the end of this newsletter. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ * Forward this ezine or a particular article to a friend. * ** He or she may be very grateful to you. ** ****************************************************** May all live in peace, harmony and love. ****************************************************** Focus on Communicating With Children => Editorial - The Basis of Communication ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 1. How We commincate Now ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 2. Self-analysis ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 3. "I - Messages to Children" ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 4. Active Listening ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 5. A Child Wants to go to the Movies ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 6. The Blaring Stereo ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 7. A Note from the Teacher ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 8. The Messy House ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^ ~^~^~^~^~ => 9. The Daughter Arrives Home Late ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^ ~^~^~^~^~ => 10. The Children are Fighting Over a Game ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^ ~^~^~^~^~ => 11. Emotional Freedom Techniques seminars with Robert Najemy in the USA ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 12. Subscribe/Unsubscribe information ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^ => Editorial - The Basis of Communication ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^ *** The Basis of Communication *** (From the forthcoming ebook Relationships of Conscious Love ? we will announce when it is ready) Today we are experiencing an ever-growing communication gap between parents, teachers and the children whom they are responsible for. Only through honest and sincere communication can we help our children to become honest, healthy and happy individuals. The guidelines for effective communication with children are, of course, the same as those for communication between all human beings. The basis of communication is the golden rule, "do to others as you would like others to do to you". So we simply need to ask, "how we would like others to communicate with us?" Here are some thoughts: 1. We would all like honesty from all who communicate with us. No one likes being told lies. Nor do we like people to make up stories and excuses. We would like to hear the truth about what the other is thinking, feeling or doing. We feel safer, more able to cope with any situation when we know what we are dealing with. The same holds for our children. When we tell them lies, they feel insecure and distrustful of the world around them. They learn to tell lies. There can be no communication in such a case. Although the truth might not always be the easiest response, it is always the "soul- ution" 2. We all want logical reasoning and explanations from the person who is communicating with us. If he or she speaks in an irrational way, or says, "look it will simply be done this way and I have no intention of explaining to you why; do it that way because I said so, because I want it that way, although it seems illogical", we will not feel very happy. We will feel that the other has no interest in our needs or feelings. We will feel that he or she is not respecting us. This is the way our children feel when we give orders or make statements without explaining the reasons behind them. No child is too young to be spoken to with reason and logic. Even if he or she cannot grasp all the factors involved, he or she will at least feel respected. That is extremely important. 3. Respect is absolutely essential in communication. We need to respect both ourselves and the other. That means that on the one hand, we do not suppress that which we want or feel, and on the other, we do not suppress the other. It also means that we do not shout at, criticize or demean the others with harsh words. We would not like to be talked to in this way. Children are even more sensitive and vulnerable to shouting and harsh words. Their self-image and sense of security are seriously undermined. Respect breeds respect. When we show respect to our children during their early years they will return this behavior in the later years. If we frequently criticize, blame, demean or speak down to them, we will find that during adolescence, this lack of respect will then be returned to us. 4. We all want to be loved. We want to know that the other person cares for us, accepts us. It is not necessary for them to agree with us or accept all that we do or believe. We can accept each other despite our differences. This kind of unconditional acceptance is essential for open, honest communication. If we feel that the other is going to get angry, reject us or nag me for something which we will tell him or her, then we will likely not communicate at all with that person. This is a situation children get into frequently. When we continuously criticize and advise our children, they gradually stop telling us what they are doing. They stop communicating, because whatever they will say will be criticized. Or they may start criticizing us. They start rejecting whatever we say. They may do this with words or with actions which symbolize rebellion, independence and rejection of our beliefs. Assurance that there will always be love and acceptance, whatever the one or the other may do, keeps the channel open for honest communication. We are talking about accepting the being and not every action which he or she may perform. This distinction is important. We can express our displeasure or disagreement concerning a particular belief or behavior, while still feeling love and acceptance for the child. 5. Our children look for consistency from their elders. We have discussed this in the previous chapter. When there is no consistency between words and actions, the basis of communication breaks down, because words have no meaning they are empty. 6. Communication is a two way process. We need to learn to speak and to listen. We do not like communicating with someone who talks continuously and does not allow us a chance to express ourselves. On the other hand, neither do we like it when we speak and the other does not respond. A balance is needed. Most of us need to learn to listen more. Children need a sounding board for their thoughts, discoveries and problems. If we are not capable of listening properly our children will close up and / or find someone else to talk with. If you would like to learn more about how to create more harmonious relationships, then inform us of your interest in our new ebook Relationships of Conscious Love. Back to Index ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 1. How We commincate Now ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ How We commincate Now Let us briefly mention how most people communicate now. There are two basic categories; those who suppress themselves and do not communicate; and those who suppress the others by raising their voices, blaming and criticizing the others, ordering them around in various ways. The first group of self-suppressors eventually develops various physical and psychological problems, through the suppression of their needs, emotions and beliefs. The second group may manage to get what they want from the others, but they also cause the others to develop feelings of resentment towards them. Neither of these methods of communication is effective. What then is the alternative? There is a third possibility in which we communicate the truth and do not suppress our feelings, beliefs or needs. But we express ourselves without demeaning or blaming the other in anyway. We maintain respect for ourselves and for the other. We neither speak up to nor down towards the other, but rather directly and openly, as two mature adults, who are taking responsibility for their lives and their realities. This is absolutely essential in our communication with children. Blaming children for our unhappiness seriously undermines their self-image, self-confidence, self-worth and self-love. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ *** The Psychology of Happiness *** ** This book has enhanced over 20,000 lives ** All of the texts in this ezine are taken from this book You have so much to gain by ordering this book with a 30% DISCOUNT from Amazon by clicking here: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0971011605/holisticharmo-20 Or here for a 40% DISCOUNT by clicking here: http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/psychofhappiness.html Or ask your local bookstore to order it with ISBN number 0-9710116-0-5 Back to Index ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 2. Self-analysis ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ Self-analysis Effective communication is not possible without a clear understanding of what we are feeling. Behind every feeling or emotion there lies a belief conscious or subconscious (usually the latter) which is causing us to have that emotion. That belief could be called a "programming". What we feel is a result of what we believe about what is happening. What we believe is dependent on our childhood experiences, and conclusions. These affect how we feel in certain situations, and thus they affect how we act towards our children and others. We need to be able to understand what we are feeling, and why we are feeling that way, so that we can communicate the truth to the child. This is effective communication - the truth. Most often we do not communicate the truth. We do not want to lie, but we simply have not yet discovered the truth. We have not yet analyzed ourselves to discover why we are feeling the way we are. We have not analyzed our programmings and beliefs to see whether they are logical or simply learned thoughts, patterns, habits and fears which we have been programmed into us and which are causing us to mechanically transfer our beliefs, prejudices, fears, and expectations onto our children. There can be no evolution in this way. And where there is no evolution eventually there is revolution. When we fail to continue to grow, then we obviously come into conflict with the forces of change and evolution which are working through our children. The result is conflict between us. We are not suggesting that we adopt our children?s beliefs or ways, but rather that we simply do some self-analysis to examine our programmings, needs, motives, expectations and fears to see if they are valid, fair and practical. EMOTIONS ARE THE RESULT OF OUR INTERPRETATIONS OF REALITY Our emotions are not so much the function of what others do or what happens in the world. How we feel is a function of how we interpret the world and events around us. Each person, observing the same event, will feel differently depending on his or her childhood programming, expectations, attachments and fears. No two people will feel exactly the same while observing the same event, or receiving the same stimulus. What does this have to do with communication? Everything. We communicate what we feel. This is true even when we try to suppress or hide our feelings. They are transmitted like radar to those around us without words or expression. We often fail to express what we really feel. We might express anger and rejection to our children (or others) when in reality we are feeling fear or self-doubt. This is not truthful communication. Usually our first emotion is self-doubt, disappointment or fear, and then we feel anger. But we express only the anger. We hold the others responsible for our unhappiness. We use phrases like "bad boy", "bad girl", "you are lazy", "you are stupid", "you will not do anything in your life", "you will be the death of me", "you are driving me crazy". "you are making me ill.". These messages, although not really meant, are taken very seriously by children and are programmed into their subconscious mind. They then begin to make those words come true. Or they may spend their whole life trying to prove that they are not true. No matter how much they may prove it, however, they may never succeed in believing that they is okay because they are programmed deep inside to doubt their worth, Such messages are called "you-messages" and are based on the false idea that the other is responsible for how we feel. Our programming and expectations are responsible for how we feel. We create our inner reality with how we interpret the events around us. "You-messages" are destructive to our children?s self-image and close the door to open communication. We may succeed in making our children behave in this way but we will lose our loving contact and cause them to have serious problems. A more effective method of communication is called the "I-message". Back to Index ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 3. "I - Messages to Children" ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ "I - Messages to Children" We learned in previous chapters that in the I-message we explain to the child what we are really feeling and the thoughts, beliefs, expectations, fears and attachments that create those feelings within us. We communicate: 1. The various emotions which we are having. 2. The beliefs and programmings which are creating these emotions. 3. What stimulus or behavior on the part of the child triggers this mechanism. 4. How we usually act towards the child when we feel that way. 5. What we need and are asking from the child. (Perhaps some help or behavior change.) 6. Then we ask the child to explain how he or she feels and we exercise active listening. Let us take an example. A child brings home low grades. This is the stimulus, the event which is perceived by the parents? senses. Let us examine some of the emotions, which the parents might feel with this event. Parents will feel differently depending on their programmings and expectations. One may feel disappointment, insecurity, shame, doubt about oneself as parent, anger towards the child, anger towards the teachers, inferiority towards other parents whose children are doing better, concern for the child or even guilt. Some parents may be strongly affected. Others may approach the problem more rationally and effectively without panic and family crisis. Now what are some of the programmings or beliefs which a parent may have which may create some of these emotions. It is important to examine these, because, we may be being controlled by false programmings which may cause us to express anger or rejection towards the child, which, in this case, is probably the last thing he or she needs. The child too is obviously having a problem. This is a time when he or she needs to feel support and help in understanding what is preventing him or her from using his or her abilities to a greater extent. Rejection or harsh words will only make the child react more negatively or close into himself or herself. I-MESSAGES ABOUT LOW GRADES So, why is the parent feeling what he feels? What are some of the programmings or beliefs which control his mind? 1. A child must have high grades in order to succeed in the world. A parent who is programmed in this way will feel fear about the child?s future and failure in his role as parent to prepare his child for the world. Thus his or her "I-message" would be something like this, "John, I would like to talk with you. I have a problem. I feel responsible for your future. I believe that it is my responsibility to do whatever I can to help you be successful and happy in your life. I also believe that high grades are essential for your survival and success and happiness in the future. Perhaps I am not giving you something which you need. I would really like to talk about this in detail. How do you feel? Is there anything which is bothering you or preventing you from concentrating?" With this kind of "I-message" which leads into active listening in which we help the child to open up to us, the child is less likely to feel accused or hurt. Thus he or she will not need to react negatively or close up. There will be a greater possibility of open, honest, effective communication. At the same time, the parent would do well to examine those programmings which he has. It is true that success and happiness depend on high grades at school? Does this theory hold up? Are the highly educated and very rich really happy and healthy? Perhaps some are. Did those who are successful, dynamic, happy, productive members of society have high grades or are there other factors involved? Perhaps higher grades can be had by one who knows how to memorize and be a robot at school. Does that mean that he or she can think, analyze and communicate with people? Does that mean that he or she is ethical or able to function in our society? Perhaps too much importance is being given to one of the many factors that may help our children survive and succeed in life. There are many others which may be much important in our child?s life such as morality, character, love for others, self-respect, self-confidence, enthusiasm, creativity, concern for others, and various other talents which the child may have. When we worry and pressure our children on the basis of this one factor, we risk destroying all the others in the conflict that takes place. In general, the most creative and analytical minds cannot thrive in the mechanized uncreative school system. 2. A second belief a parent may have is that "I am successful if my child is successful and unsuccessful if my child fails." In this case we might explain this programming to the child. But do we have the right to ask the child to conform to some sort of behavior that simply fulfils our subjective programmings and expectations? Why should our children be forced to fulfil our expectations so that we can feel successful? That child may have been born to take a completely different road, to have other experiences that have nothing to do with our expectations or our definition of success. We may be defining success with conditions like plenty of money, high professional position, or high social status. But will that particular personality who is now our child be happy in that role? Does money really bring happiness? Do people in high positions seem happier than others? Are they enjoying life? Are they healthy? Do they have harmony with those around them? What do we want for our children, success in the eyes of society or health, happiness and harmony? In some cases they may be able to have all that. In other cases, they may conflict. We cannot know. There is a small voice in the child that does know. It is better for our children to decide what they want to do with their lives. Their inner voice will guide them sooner or later to the role that they as souls have come to play on earth. If we believe that we are successful if our children are successful we need to examine the difference between efforts and results. As parents our responsible for our efforts and motives. Not for the results. Parents with many children can verify that although they treat the different children much in the same way, they react in completely differently. It seems that each child brings with him or her some already developed traits, which are independent of their childhood programmings. How we behave towards our children and how we live our lives are extremely important factors in our children?s character development. But they are not the only factors. So we cannot judge ourselves based on the results of what happens with our children. We only evaluate our motives and efforts. Have our motives been pure? Have we always done what we have thought at that time was best for our children (regardless of whether today we see that we might have made other choices). Have we always tried to do the best of our ability with the energy and consciousness which we had at every moment in the past? Clarifying this point this will help us be at ease with our conscience, and will free us from the need to force our children to succeed in our terms, so that we can feel that we are successful parents. This is a great weight for our children to carry. We would not like to carry this weight and we have no right to place it on them. 3. Another belief, cause a parent feel upset with the news of the low grades is, "I must have the others? acceptance, recognition and respect in order to feel self-acceptance and self-love". If we need recognition from friends and society through our children?s performance at school, then we will feel shame, inferiority, failure and then anger at them for putting us in that position. If we in such a case express only our anger and accuse them of being failures and useless, then we not being truthful. We are not expressing our real feelings, which came before the anger. Something that we need to understand is that anger is always a second or third emotion. We feel anger when we first feel fear, insecurity, hurt or guilt. When we are angry we can be sure that somewhere behind that anger we fear something. It may be difficult to find but it is, without doubt, there. Take the present example. We might have any of the following fears. 1. Fear of rejection or ridicule by friends and relatives whose children may be doing better than ours do. 2. Fear of failing in the role of the parent. 3. Fear about the child?s future. 4. Fear of losing control over the child. 5. Fear of our belief system and expectations being rejected. These fears cause us to feel anger. Thus, the "you- message" to our children that they are no good, is not the complete truth. We need to analyze our own needs for affirmation and approval from others, our doubt about our abilities as a parent and the various other emotions, which we may have had before we felt anger. The problem is that these emotions work so quickly and usually subconsciously that we have difficulty perceiving these emotions which hide behind and create our anger. In such cases keeping a diary is essential. We can take ten to twenty minutes every evening before sleeping and write down the major emotional experiences of the day. We can analyze the programmings or beliefs that are causing these emotions. In this way we will gradually gain clarity. (Details about self-analysis are given The Psychology or Happiness.) All this does not mean that we do not love our child but that, along with our love, there are our own needs which often cause us to communicate in ways that undermine the child's self-worth and self-confidence. We can see that a great part of effective communication is analyzing ourselves. Without this we cannot communicate honestly. Back to Index ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ Become a Mom for Life!!!! Would you to make a great income while you make new friends and convert your family and other families to more healthy living? Work at home FOR yourself but not BY yourself!! Excellent Team Support and training provided. No Selling, No Home Parties, No Deliveries and No money to collect. Set your own hours! Have fun, meet new people and make great money! To learn more: http://www.moms-connection.com/momsforlife.htm 3/4 ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 4. Active Listening ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ Active Listening Now the child himself obviously has a problem which is not allowing him or her to use his or her mental abilities to their full potential. The problem could have to do with conflicts within the family, conflicts with other children or with teachers at school, disappointments in love, lack of self-confidence, lack of proper nutrition, a disillusionment with society and the school system, as well as many other possibilities. In such a case, the most effective method of communication is active listening. Let us look again at some brief guidelines for active listening. 1) Let the other talk without interruption. Do not break his or her flow with your need to project your own ideas. When we interrupt others, we cut off their flow. This flow may bring to the surface the cause of the problem, which they themselves have not yet discovered. 2) Look into the other?s eyes and not away. Let your body be facing the person and not sideways. Show interest in what the other is saying, and in this way let him or her know that you are listening actively and carefully, and care about what he or she is saying. 3) Do not, in any case, criticize or start giving advice. It is extremely important not to criticize or disagree or reject during the active listening. At the end of the discussion we may state how we feel. After the discussion is completed, if we do not agree, we, of course, have the right to state so. But during the active listening do not stop the other?s flow with criticism or rejection. 4) Ask questions which help you to understand more clearly what the other is feeling. These question will help both you and the other (in this case, the child) to understand what the problem is. You can imagine that you are the other. Imagine how he or she feels, and what is going on in his or her life and you will be guided to the right questions to ask. Asking questions rather than giving advice may be difficult for some of us in the beginning. It is not easy, but those who have tried it have found it very effective and have been surprised by the results. In some cases where we might be performing this technique mechanically, the others may be surprised and react negatively, especially if they have learned to receive continual criticism. But if we persist to show interest, and stop criticizing, at some point the child will open up. We must also be sensitive about the correct time and place to approach the other. Also a child must never be pushed against his will into discussing something which he or she does not want to. Eventually the need to come close to us will help him or her to open to us. 5) We may also affirm whether or not what we have understood from the other?s communication is correct. This technique is used by most psychologists to help a person open up and get clarity about what he or she is feeling. We simply repeat back to our children what they are telling us in our own words. This helps us to verify that we have understood what they are saying, and helps them to feel that we are accepting what they is saying. If they feel that we have not understood, they will try to explain to us in a different way. This will help all to become clearer about what is bothering each. These techniques for effective communication can do much to bring harmony and love to our relationships with our children. It is important that parents get started with this system immediately. No child is too young to understand this type of communication. Because these techniques require a whole new way of thinking and communicating, we suggest that parents and teachers or any individuals who want to master them, seek out seminars which teach these methods with practical workshops. Remember that the basis for all successful communication is love. Below you will find various examples of effective communication for various situations with children. Back to Index ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 5. A Child Wants to go to the Movies ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ A Child Wants to go to the Movies A child keeps pleading to be taken to a movie, but has not cleaned up his room for several days, a job, which he agreed to do. What might be an average type of communication? An average parent may call the child lazy, irresponsible and inconsiderate. An I-message in this case might be something like this: "My child, sit down. I would like to express to you how I feel at this moment. There is conflict within me: on the one hand, I love you and want you to be happy. I want you to be able to enjoy that which makes you happy. I would like to take you to the movies, so that you might enjoy yourself. On the other hand, I feel cheated and that an injustice has been done, because we have made an agreement that you would clean your room, and you have not kept it. That makes me feel that you are not respecting our agreement and my need for your room to be clean. "I also have another need, which is to feel that I am bringing you up in the proper way. When I see that you are not taking your word and your responsibilities seriously, I have doubts as to whether I am doing a good job and whether you will be able to function well in society, if you are not keeping your word. So I cannot bring myself to take you to the movies until you keep your word and clean up your room". The parent may then lead into active listening with something like, "How do you feel what I have just said to you? Does it seem fair? Do you feel hurt? Would you like to talk about it?" Also, the parent may take this opportunity to discuss with the child the factors that have prevented him from cleaning up his room. "From the fact that you have not cleaned up your room, I get the idea that you do not like to do that job. Is there some special reason for that? Do you feel that it is unfair that I ask you to do that? What do you think would be a fair way to handle this situation? Have you some suggestions as to how we can overcome this source of tension between us?" I can hear some parents who are reading this saying to themselves, "My child will never understand these explanations". My personal experience is that any child over two years old can understand the intent behind this communication and will feel the parent?s respect, love and concern through it, and will feel the same for the parent. Back to Index ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 6. The Blaring Stereo ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ The Blaring Stereo A child is playing her CD?s so loud that the parents in the next room cannot communicate with one another. An angry parent may likely say, "Can?t you be more considerate of others? Are you deaf? Why do you play that so loud?" Would we talk that way to our neighbors if they were playing the music that loud? Would we talk that way to our colleague, our boss or our friends? Do we have the right to speak demeaningly to our children just because we think they belong to us? Imagine how you would politely communicate with a neighbor who was playing music loudly (especially if he is physically bigger than you are). Remember that the key to effective communication is that we neither suppress ourselves nor the others. We respect both our needs and those of the others. So, we are not going to put up with the music, but neither are we going to hurt the other?s feelings. An example in this case might be as follows: "Maria, could you please turn down the music for a moment? I would like to tell you something which is very important to me. I have conflicting needs. My need for you is to be happy and not to feel suppressed. I also do not want to be in a state of conflict with you because when I am, I do not feel at all well; and neither do you. "On the other hand, I cannot tolerate the high volume which you were just playing your music. Your father and I are trying to talk in the next room and we cannot hear each other because of the music. "I also have the need not to bother the neighbors, just as I would not like them to bother us. I would like to keep up good relationships with them. I ?m afraid that the loud music may be bothering them. For that reason I ask you to please cooperate on this matter and play the music at a lower volume or perhaps you could wear headphones and enjoy the music at the volume you prefer, while we have peace". Then the parent might want to lead into active listening as to how the child feels about that message. "How do you feel about what I ?m asking you to do? Do you feel suppressed or unhappy? I hope we can find a way for both of us to be happy. Tell me your feelings". This method of communication is much more likely to encourage willful cooperation from the child, while respect between parent and child is mutually maintained. Although we feel great love for our children, we are often unable to communicate that love, because of a lack in communication skills. We mean well; but our own problems and fears get in our way and disrupt our communication with our children. Back to Index ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 7. A Note from the Teacher ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ A Note from the Teacher A twelve-year-old is sent home by a teacher with a note stating that he was speaking loudly, using "filthy" language. What might be the parents? reaction? One might be, "Come here and explain to me why you want to embarrass your parents with your filthy mouth". Another would be to simply punish the child with no discussion. Another might be to degrade the child?s image of himself by criticizing him for his various mistakes and faults in general. All of these express to some extent the feelings that we may have. But they are not effective communication, because they do not express all our feelings and serve only to make the child feel badly, without offering any opportunity for understanding what the child?s problem is in reality. Obviously, the child has some need to speak in that way. He may have some problem or a need for attention or recognition. When we focus only on our own embarrassment and fear, and ignore what might be going on in the child at this time, we lose contact with the child. The child knows he has made a mistake, but he is unable to deal with the forces, which cause him to act in this way. His way of speaking at school was either an outlet for some inner tension or resentment or an attempt for attention or recognition. We would do better to discuss our feelings about the situation with the child and try to help the child to open up so that we may discover what is going on in the child?s mind. A possible communication might be something like this: "George, I have a strong need to talk about this note with you. I am very concerned both for you and me. I am shocked and surprised, and I must admit a bit embarrassed in the eyes of others. But these are my problems. What concerns me most is that I also feel that maybe I have made some mistake in my attitude towards you. I feel somehow responsible for your behavior since I am your parent, and I wonder if I am doing a good job or not in bringing you up the way I do. I would like to try to understand. "Please explain to me the events which happened at school and what was that made you feel the need to speak loudly and in that way. I would also like to know if there is something that I do which has contributed towards your feeling that you must express yourself in that way. I would also like you to tell me if there is anything that I can do to help you to feel more comfortable and happier". The child may or may not open up. He may or may not be able to understand consciously what his problem is. In most cases, with the help of active listening the child will come to an understanding of what is going on within him. Back to Index ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 8. The Messy House ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ The Messy House A mother arrives home tired and upset after work and a variety of other chores. Upon entering the house she finds everything to be in a mess. She had asked the children to keep the house clean because there would be visitors coming over that evening. What kind of message might she give? Of course she will feel disappointed, let down, ignored, rejected, the victim, and most likely, upset and angry. She might blame the children for being so inconsiderate, irresponsible, for not loving her, for not respecting her. This type of blaming will simply reinforce in the children?s minds the idea that they are as she has described them - "not okay, not responsible and not to be trusted". They will then continue to be just that way. A possible communication might be something like this: "Children, come and sit down. I want to explain to you some things which are very important to me. I feel very disillusioned this moment. On the one hand, I feel let down. I was counting on your remembering my request that you be careful and keep the house clean and tidy. I am tired and I am worried about receiving these guests this evening. It is important for me that the house be clean when they arrive but I am too tired to do it at this moment. "I also doubt whether I am bringing you up the right way when I see, at times like this, that you do not consider my requests for help and cooperation. I understand that when you play it is easy to forget such requests, but I ask you to try harder in the future, because I need your help. Now, I would be interested in your suggesting some way by which we can avoid this happening in the future". After a discussion takes place as to how such situations could be avoided in the future, the mother can ask the children to now please help her by putting the place in order and cleaning up so that she can relax and get ready for the guests who are coming. The key to effective communication is to look into ourselves and think about what we are really feeling and express that clearly and openly to the other, without hiding anything and without blaming or intending to hurt the others. After expressing how we feel, we express what we need and give the other a chance to express his or her feelings on the subject. Back to Index ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 9. The Daughter Arrives Home Late ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ The Daughter Arrives Home Late Although their daughter agreed to be home by 12 midnight, she arrives at 1.30 in the morning. The parents are extremely worried that something may have happened to her and are quite relieved when she finally gets home. What kind of message might they give to the child? They might express their anger at her disobedience and reject her for being inconsiderate and irresponsible. They might threaten her and punish her with the hope that she will obey out of fear in the future. A possible communication might be something like this: "Susan, please sit down. We have a great need to discuss with you how we feel about your coming home at 1.30 in the morning, when we had agreed that you be here by midnight. We have been extremely worried during the last hour and a half. All kinds of possible dangers have passed through our minds as we were waiting for you. We love you very much and would not like any harm to come to you. We still feel responsible for your health and well being, and would find it difficult to forgive ourselves if anything happened to you. We would feel that we had been irresponsible in our roles as parents. "It is extremely important for us that we come up with a formula with regard to your evenings out, which would be agreeable to both you and us. We want you to be happy in your life but also have a need to feel that we are performing our role as parents correctly and that we are protecting you as well as we can. "We also need to feel that we are bringing you up in the right way. When you do not respect your word, we worry about whether we have failed, as parents, to teach you to honor your word. We are interested in hearing from you what happened and why it is that you did not come back by midnight; also, how you believe we should act in this situation. We would like to hear your suggestions as to how we can find a formula for future times when you go out. It is very important for us that we know when you will be arriving and can be sure that you will be here at that time" The discussion can then go back and forth as we alternate between I-statements concerning our feelings and needs and active listening, in which we listen to the needs of the daughter, until we find some suitable solution. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ => 10. The Children are Fighting Over a Game ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ The Children are Fighting Over a Game When we see our children fighting over a toy, a game, TV program, or any other object, we feel great inner conflict. We feel that both of our children are parts of ourselves, so when they are fighting, it is as if two parts of our own being are fighting. We may feel that we are failing as parents to create harmony in our home. We may feel guilt for that. We may feel angry towards one of the children who is acting more egotistically. We may play the role of the judge and persecutor. We might punish one or both children, without discussion. A possible example of communication might be: "Children, please come and sit down. I want to express to you how I am feeling at this moment, as I am watching you fight. Each of you is equally a part of me. I feel so connected with you that whatever happens to you is like it is happening to me. When you fight with one another, I feel great inner conflict. I feel confused. I do not know what to do. I do not want to take sides. I want you both to be happy. I do not know how to make you stop. "Maybe you could help me so we may together discover what I could do to help you. This will be useful for all of us. There will certainly be times in your lives, in which you will come into conflict with others around you. This will help us all to see how we can handle such conflicts in a different way. I would like each of you to think about what it is that you wanted and could not get from the other, which caused you to get angry and to fight in that way. "Each will take turns to express what his problem was and we will keep going around until all of us have said whatever we need to say. I ask that only one rule be kept: when someone is talking, that we do not interrupt him but let him conclude that which he is trying to say. If we disagree with him, we can have a chance later to express it. Now, let us begin". After each child has had a chance to express his or her feelings and opinions, and the opportunity to speak has gone around the circle a number of times and everything has been said, then we can ask for possible solutions as to how we can structure our lives and routine of living so as to avoid similar conflicts in the future. All of these solutions can be written down and then discussed. Eventually a combination of the various ideas can be adopted for a trial run to see how it works. This group method of "brainstorming" for solutions to group problems has the advantage that each person feels that his or her ideas and needs have been respected in the creation of the solution. Even if our needs are not 100% met, we feel that at least we have been heard, considered, respected and allowed to participate. Thus our cooperation will be much greater and from the heart. Eventually we can close by asking the children how they would like us to act in such situations, if the children, in spite of their efforts, come into conflict again for some reason or other. The basic obstacle towards such a way of handling conflicts between children is, on the one hand, the lack of time on the part of the parent and, on the other, the lack of ease the parent feels in handling such conflicts. We must learn that conflicts are natural in a world in which we all have differing needs and ways of seeing things. We tend to avoid talking openly about conflicts, which just makes them recur more and more often, because they are never brought out into the open and be solved. Many times conflicts occur concerning superficial or unimportant matters, when the real problem is about something else, which has never been discussed. Handling conflicts in this open and honest way gives us a chance to deal with the real personality problems that are behind these superficial conflicts. Communication is a lost art, one which must be regained through practice and by breaking free from the ineffective patterns which we have learned from our parents and from society. Effective communication is a process of being constantly aware of what we are really feeling and expressing it openly and honestly without blaming the others for what we feel. The other aspect of communication is to understand what the other person is feeling and thinking. Without mutual love, respect, understanding and atmosphere of equality, there can be no effective communication. I again encourage us all to become more efficient in our communication skills, to take seminars on communication, in which we can practice those techniques under guidance. It is never too late to make the change. We might be 70 and our child 50 and we may still be caught up in the same old ego games we were 40 years ago. We would do well to free ourselves from these obstacles to love and unity, and thus happiness. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ ***** MEMBER INTERACTION ***** Share with us your ways of understanding life. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ Recommend Clarity - The Psychology of Happiness to a friend! http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/clarity.ezine http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/clarity.ezine"> AOL Users Click Here ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ ***** - SPECIAL OFFER - ***** A 40% DISCOUNT "The Psychology of Happiness" by Robert Elias Najemy *** THE BOOK THAT HAS CHANGE 20,000 LIVES *** Click here http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/psychofhappiness.html Thus you will be receiving the book at your home for only $ 10.80 plus $ 5 shipping = $ 15.80 or from Amazon.com at 30% discount http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0971011605/holisticharmo-20 ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ The Psychology of Happiness by Robert Elias Najemy The Psychology of Happiness penetrates to the heart of the subject of human happiness in a deep and yet simple, clear and understandable manner. It offers a variety of techniques, questionnaires and guidelines for creating happiness. It covers many subjects including: Psychology of Evolution, Managing Emotions, Overcoming Fear, Loving Ourselves, Facing Loneliness, Stages of Love, Reconciling Inner Conflicts, Healing Our Inner Child, Forgiveness and Freedom, Coping with the Death of Loved Ones. Included are 23 case histories - real life situations and the possible lessons, which we can learn from such and similar situations. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ Over 100,000 of Robert E. Najemy's 19 books have been sold in Greek, an impressive number considering the small population and reading tendencies of the Greek public. Some are translated into Portuguese, Persian, Polish, Arabic and German. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ SEMINARS For information about ongoing and also weekend seminars in the following areas email us or call the following numbers GREECE: (in Greek) - Continuously - call 010 6818220 or 010 6818151 CYPRUS: (Greek) call 5- 431616 or 2-772808 or 9 626198 LEBANON (in English) call 03 819818 USA: Robert will be offering introductory seminars in EFT in the New England area in August 2002. Specifically there will be seminars taking place in Massachusetts and in Vermont (close to New Hampshire)and . If you are interested email us at ren@holisticharmony.com If you would like to organize a seminar in your area communicate with us at ren@holisticharmony.com He will also be available for personal appointments. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ Visit us at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com or subscribe: * You are receiving this biweekly newsletter because you have become a member of the Holistic Harmony Network or you or a friend have requested a subscription for you. to subscribe click: subscribe@holisticharmony.com to unsubscribe click: unsubscribe@holisticharmony.com Those of you who are being confronted with serious Life Issues at this time are encouraged to try out our Life Clarification Process at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ Articles in this and previous issues can be viewed at http://www.holisticharmony.com/clarity/ ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ Again we wish for you to be well and hope that you will care for yourself and your loved ones. May you be well on all levels of your Being. |
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