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S u m m a r y of Need Conflicts Procedure * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 1. First We Discover our Needs A. Our Common Needs B. And our Hidden Needs C. Then make a List of Needs 2. We then Communicate about our Needs and write them down. 3. We move on to Look for Solutions A. We start by Volunteering what we can do to help the other feel better ? more satisfied. B. We can ask for More Help from the other C. We Write our Agreements: 4. Specifying The Solutions A. We can agree on Regular Meetings: B. What will be the Consequences if one or the other does not keep these agreements? C. We check that we have made Realistic Commitments 5. We Affirm Each Other by expressing the positive aspects we perceive in the other. 6. The Process continues in this way as we occasionally review how it is going. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Incredible Offer * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * FREE email Courses * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Subscribe/Unsubscribe information * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * EMAIL COURSES ON RELATIONSHIPS * * * * * Just click on the email address of the course you would like and send it. You will receive an email each weekl on that subject for the number of lessons mentioned. 1. Learning Through Relationships and Life?s Experiences 18 lessons examining case histories of relationship situations and life problems and what we might learn from them. Extremely interesting and useful. learningrelationships@getresponse.com FREE ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ 2. 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We really want to love others. lovingothers@getresponse.com FREE ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ * * * * * WONDERFUL EBOOKS * * * * * We now have 9 wonderfully interesting and beneficial ebooks in pdf format which you can purchase at a 30% discount. they are available at at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/ebooks/index.asp 1. Universal Philosophy 2. The Art of Meditation 3. Contemporary Parables (Available soon as paperback) 4. The Mystical Circle of Life 5. Relationships of Conscious Love (Available soon as paperback) 6. The Miracles of Love and Wisdom 7. The Psychology of Happiness also available as paperback at bookstores near you - ask for it. 8. Saram ? The Adventures of a Soul and Insight into the Male Psyche 9. Remove Pain - Physical and Emotional with Energy Psychology by Tapping on Acupuncture Points (Available soon as paperback) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * KNOW SOMEONE who would benefit from this important information? Forward it or Print it for them. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * You can view this and previous issues with greater ease by clicking here http://www.holisticharmony.com/clarity/ * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * WORKING WITH NEED CONFLICTS IN RELATIONSHIPS * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * From the book Relationships of Conscious Love available at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/ebooks/index.asp In this chapter, we present you with a brief outline of some basic points. In the succeeding chapters, we will proceed in greater detail. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 1. D I S C O V E R I N G OUR NEEDS * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * We have in the previous chapter mentioned a few possible need conflicts. We unfortunately seldom communicate very clearly and objectively in these cases, and this lack of effective communication adds to the problem often resulting in conflict. A classic example is a couple I remember who had been married for forty years and when given the opportunity to discuss issues more openly, the husband mentioned to his wife that he was hurt when she made the sound of clearing her throat when he was talking to others. He interpreted that she was rejecting him with that sound. She was taken back by his interpretation and explained that she made that sound because she was agreeing with what he was saying. That is forty years of misunderstanding, simply because they never communicated about it. Relationship problems are 95% need conflicts and 5% value conflicts. Even when values are involved, the actual conflict arises out of our need for the other to believe or behave according to our values. The following process will aid in solving need conflicts. We must discover what our needs are before we can express them to others. A. Common Needs Some of our needs might be found in the following list: 1. Love (or greater expression of it) 2. Respect 3. Understanding (of what?) 4. Acceptance as we are 5. Acknowledgement and affirmation 6. Trust 7. Freedom to think and function as we believe and in accordance with our needs 8. A peaceful environment 9. Support and encouragement in the cultivation of our abilities and powers 10. To be listened to without criticism or advice. 11. Satisfaction with us. 12. Inspiration 13. To be just with us - to behave toward us as he or she would like us to behave toward him of her 14. To agree with our beliefs and ideals or at least accept and respect them 15. To express his or her true feelings, needs and beliefs 16. Freedom of movement 17. To keep our agreements 18. To have patience with our weaknesses 19. To be supported during difficult moments 20. To express gratitude for all we offer him or her 21. To acknowledge our positive qualities 22. To be able to be alone when we do not feel well or when we have the need. 23. To get out more often 24. To get more rest 25. To be given more help in the chores 26. For greater attention when we speak 27. To do more things together 28. For greater responsibility on his or her part 29. To be on time 30. To receive more help and cooperation in keeping order and cleanliness 31. To be able to behave as we like in our home. 32. To take care of him/her self. For romantic relationships: 33. Affection and erotic contact. 34. To be sexually devoted to only us 35. Other needs: * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * B. Hidden needs * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Also, as we have not been trained to understand our needs and have come to fear expressing them, we have developed a wide variety of defense mechanisms to deal with situations in which our needs are not being fulfilled. Some of these mechanisms are listed below. 1. Complaining 2. Criticizing 3. Withdrawing 4. Refusing to cooperate 5. Rebelling 6. Conflicting with the other 7. Playing emotional games such as victim, aloof, intimidator or interrogator. 8. Being Competitive 9. Sermonizing or teaching 10. Becoming aggressive and/or hostile As these types of behavior are highly detrimental to our relationships and even to ourselves, we would do well to become adapt at understanding and communicating the needs behind these types of defensive mechanisms. We will almost always find that we are acting in these ways because we feel our self-worth, security, freedom or pleasure are in danger. Thus, we need to understand what it is we desire from the other in order to feel that these previously mentioned needs are safe with him or her. The following exercise will help us determine what is happening with our needs. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * C. List of Needs * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 1. Make a list of your various needs, i.e. material, physical, emotional, mental, social, professional, spiritual, etc. 2. Rate each need according to the degree to which that need is being satisfied in your life at this time. O% mean not at all. 100% means it is being totally satisfied. 3. In the third column, place the names of the persons from whom you believe you need help or cooperation in order to satisfy those needs. NEED DEGREE OF SATISFACTION PERSONS __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________ * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * D. Searching for Deeper Needs * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Having completed this list of needs, we can now share them with our spouse or entire family if appropriate. Everyone listens to everyone else?s? needs. We divide a paper in as many columns as the number of people involved in the process. We then apply active listening (see later chapters) in order to help each person clarify exactly what he or she needs from the other. Once we determine and list each member?s needs, we seek to help each determine the deeper needs behind his or her previously discovered needs. We write each member?s needs as he or she expresses them in the column with his or her name at the top. Some questions that might help us discover the deeper needs behind the ones we have already declared are: 1. What do you need from your __________(spouse, child, parent, sibling)? 2. Why would you like this need to be fulfilled by this particular person? 3. Why do you need that? What do you gain when you have that from that person and what is missing from your life when you do not have that from him or her? 4. Why do you need that which you have now mentioned? If this specific person does not fulfill this need, what will be missing from your life? 5. What else do you need from ________? (Then follow the same questioning procedure as for number 1 until we arrive at the deepest expression of that need) 6. Can you think of any other needs you may have forgotten? Think of these categories: physical, material, social, recreational, mental, emotional, economic, professional, spiritual, etc. 7. In case you have forgotten any needs, look at the above list to see if there is a need you possibly have not mentioned. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 2. C O M M U N I C A T I N G ABOUT NEEDS * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Now that we have made a list of what each of us needs and from whom, we must ensure that each person clearly understands the other?s needs. We ask each to express the other?s needs in his own words and eventually, if possible, without the help of the written list. If one forgets a need, we can remind him of it from the list and then ask him to express it in his own words. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 3. L O O K I N G FOR SOLUTIONS * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A. Volunteering Help to the Others: We can ask each member to suggest what he can do, of his own free will, in order to help the other fulfill the other?s needs. Each can make a few commitments concerning how he or she might help the other to be happier in this relationship. One, both or all may be resisting. In such a case, we need to ask him or her to explain, if possible, the reservations or fears that prevent him or her from cooperating in this process. We go around a number of times, asking each whether there is something else he or she would be willing to do as a sign of love toward and cooperation with the others. Each declares what he or she is willing to do to help the others fulfill their needs. B. Asking for More Help: When this process is finished, if someone feels he or she needs more help from the others, he can ask for some specific type of help from a specific other. If someone asks more from another, the other is free to respond positively or negatively, or he or she can ask for time to think about it. C. Writing our Agreements: We write all the decisions and commitments made by each so we can give everyone a paper with his decisions at the end of the session. In the case that one starts accusing, criticizing and blaming the others, we remind him or her that this problem cannot be solved if we remain in the past and we ask him or her to express what he or she needs now in the present from that person. Always come back to present needs. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 4. S P E C I F Y I N G THE SOLUTIONS * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A. Regular Meetings: Once we have created a basic plan for employment, ask each subject when he or she plans to act on these decisions. Try to agree to meet on a regular basis and discuss matters between yourselves. If possible, decide there and then on the place, day and hours of these meetings. B. Consequences: If you have decided there will be natural or logical consequences if one or the other is not conscientious in keeping up his or her side of the agreement, then agree what those consequences will be. It would be best if the person who will be subjected to the consequences would suggest what they might be. C. Realistic Commitments: If we have the feeling that one of the subjects is promising a type of behavior we feel is going to be very difficult for him or her to uphold and that failure is almost surely imminent, we might want through active listening to help him or her decide whether his decisions are feasible. We may want to help all participants think of the possible inner and / or outer obstacles they will encounter, and to think beforehand of how they will manage to surpass those obstacles. For example, if this change in behavior is one that has been asked of him or her for many years, what was it that obstructed him or her from making that change until now? What will he or she do now that will be different, to ensure success? D. Motivation: It is most important that each expresses why he or she wants to make these changes. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 5. A F F I R M I N G EACH OTHER * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Toward the end of the session, each can be asked to look into the other?s eyes and tell him or her the positive qualities he or she sees, respects and admires in the other. This exercise is important and should not be skipped. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 6. THE C O N T I N U I N G PROCESS * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A. Patience and Understanding: We explain that each must give time to the other to be able to adjust to his or her new agreements. We must not jump on the other?s back at the first incident of unconsciously returning to old habits. B. Positive Projection: We suggest that all practice positive projection daily in which each brings to mind 5 positive qualities which he or she recognizes in the other and sends him or her light and love. We can also forgive him or her for any mistakes of the past. C. Effective Communication: We would do well to learn to communicate through I messages and active listening. (Discussed later on in this book and on our web site.) D. Life?s Lessons: All should be encouraged to do the work described in the chapter on LIFE?S LESSONS so each can realize how the other is simply mirroring parts of his or her own self. E. Reviewing and Adjusting: After a few weeks, we will want to meet and allow all to express how we are feeling and to negotiate any adjustments to the agreements. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * SOME USEFUL THOUGHTS AND SUGGESTIONS FOR WHEN WE ARE HAVING NEED CONFLICTS * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * THOUGHTS 1. It is not by chance that I am with this particular partner. 2. My partner is my teacher on my evolutionary path. 3. He or she gives me in each moment exactly what I need (pleasant or unpleasant) in order to mature emotionally and spiritually, and to develop my inner feelings of security and self-worth. 4. My partner needs and deserves my love and respect just as I need and deserve the same from him or her. 5. I really do love my partner and wish for him or her to be well and happy. 6. Sincere and truthful communication is the only real solution. 7. Love understands and forgives. 8. We both deserve a happy life; only our egos and fears obstruct us. SUGGESTIONS 1. Perform daily a deep relaxation or positive projection technique in which you imagine you are able to express your needs, feelings and thoughts to the other in an harmonious way with love and respect both for yourself and the other. See the guidelines for such a positive projection. 2. Work on your own feelings of inner security and self-acceptance. 3. Agree to meet once a week to discuss you needs and feelings and share more deeply. It is best for the meeting be the same day and hour each week so you each keep this hour free for that purpose. 4. You might want to discuss the answers to the various questionnaires in this book with each other at those meetings. 5. Learn to translate your complaints and anger into needs and express them with I- messages without criticism or threats. Simply explain to the other what you need and how important it for you that he or she responds to those needs. Then ask how they feel about that. 6. Learn to listen actively and clearly to what the other is trying to say, seeking to understand what his or her feelings and needs really are. 7. Bring to mind at least three of your loved one?s positive qualities on a daily basis, and share them with him or her when it feels natural. 8. Do things you enjoy together. 9. Allow each other space and time to be alone and recharge emotionally and physically so that each rejuvenates himself or herself and the relationship. 10. Express your love in ways that the other can feel; perhaps with a massage, flowers, cards with messages, gifts, or acts of service to each other. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * S u m m a r y of Need Conflicts Procedure * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 1. First We Discover our Needs A. Our Common Needs B. And our Hidden Needs C. Then make a List of Needs 2. We then Communicate about our Needs and write them down. 3. We move on to Look for Solutions A. We start by Volunteering what we can do to help the other feel better ? more satisfied. B. We can ask for More Help from the other C. We Write our Agreements: 4. Specifying The Solutions A. We can agree on Regular Meetings: B. What will be the Consequences if one or the other does not keep these agreements? C. We check that we have made Realistic Commitments 5. We Affirm Each Other by expressing the positive aspects we perceive in the other. 6. The Process continues in this way as we occasionally review how it is going. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * => 1. Guided Relaxation CD's and cassettes * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Guided Relaxation CD's and cassettes You can order them at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/store/cassettes.html Relaxation CD no. 1 with four guided relaxations for only $8 1. Light Healing - This wonderful relaxation guides through the process of filling your body and mind with light, and thus bringing healing and rejuvenating energy into all your being and especially those areas which need help 2. Self Acceptance - We all need to increase our self-esteem and self-confidence. In this relaxation we cultivate feelings of love and acceptance towards ourselves and others. We also focus on self-confidence. 3. Inner Security - In this relaxation we imagine ourselves in situations which in the past have caused us to fear or feel anxiety but now we visualize and feel ourselves with inner peace, self-confidence, inner security while in touch with or dealing with that situation. 4. Inner Guidance - We focus on any particular question or dilemma and move through a process which allows us to get guidance on that issue. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Relaxation CD no. 2 with four guided relaxations for only $8 1. Inner Security - In this relaxation we imagine ourselves in situations which in the past have caused us to fear or feel anxiety but now we visualize and feel ourselves with inner peace, self-confidence, inner security while in touch with or dealing with that situation. 2. Inner Guidance - We focus on any particular question or dilemma and move through a process which allows us to get guidance on that issue. 3. Improving Relationships - We bring to mind a person with whom we would like to improve our relationship or communication and visualize ourselves loving this person and communicating openly and honestly. We create the mental image of a positive relationship. 4. Decision Making - This is also a wonderful relaxation in which we take a trip into nature to discover three doors each of which represents a possible future depending on the decision we have to make. We sense how we feel with each decision and then contact our higher self for further guidance. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Relaxation Cassette No. 1 Side A. Light Healing - This wonderful relaxation guides through the process of filling your body and mind with light, and thus bringing healing and rejuvenating energy into all your being and especially those areas which need help Side B. Self Acceptance - We all need to increase our self-esteem and self-confidence. In this relaxation we cultivate feelings of love and acceptance towards ourselves and others. We also focus on self-confidence. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Relaxation Cassette No. 2 Side A. Inner Security - In this relaxation we imagine ourselves in situations which in the past have caused us to fear or feel anxiety but now we visualize and feel ourselves with inner peace, self-confidence, inner security while in touch with or dealing with that situation. Side B. Improving Relationships - We bring to mind a person with whom we would like to improve our relationship or communication and visualize ourselves loving this person and communicating openly and honestly. We create the mental image of a positive relationship. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Relaxation Cassette No. 3 Side A. Inner Guidance - We focus on any particular question or dilemma and move through a process which allows us to get guidance on that issue. Side B. Decision Making - This is also a wonderful relaxation in which we take a trip into nature to discover three doors each of which represents a possible future depending on the decision we have to make. 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An audio deep relaxation "Light Healing" for those whose computers support it.- click below to learn more! http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/holisticharmonycd.asp * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***** MEMBER INTERACTION ***** Share with us your ways of understanding life. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Recommend Clarity - The Psychology of Happiness to a friend! http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/clarity.ezine http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/clarity.ezine"> AOL Users Click Here * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT * * * * * We have created for you FREE email Courses for improving your health, relationships, self esteem, love, forgiveness, happiness etc. Go to http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/courses/index.asp and click on the courses you would like to follow and you will receive one lesson a week for free. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***** - SPECIAL OFFER - ***** ** This book has enhanced over 20,000 lives ** A 40% DISCOUNT "The Psychology of Happiness" by Robert Elias Najemy Click here http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/psychofhappiness.html Thus you will be receiving the book at your home for only $ 10.80 plus $ 5 shipping = $ 15.80 or from Amazon.com at 30% discount http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0971011605/holisticharmo-20 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The Psychology of Happiness by Robert Elias Najemy The Psychology of Happiness penetrates to the heart of the subject of human happiness in a deep and yet simple, clear and understandable manner. It offers a variety of techniques, questionnaires and guidelines for creating happiness. It covers many subjects including: Psychology of Evolution, Managing Emotions, Overcoming Fear, Loving Ourselves, Facing Loneliness, Stages of Love, Reconciling Inner Conflicts, Healing Our Inner Child, Forgiveness and Freedom, Coping with the Death of Loved Ones. Included are 23 case histories - real life situations and the possible lessons, which we can learn from such and similar situations. ^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ Over 100,000 of Robert E. Najemy's 19 books have been sold in Greek, an impressive number considering the small population and reading tendencies of the Greek public. 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