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CLARITY
The Psychology of Happiness
Concepts for a Happier more Harmonious life
Published every 7th and 21st of the month
March 21st , 2004 Circulation 2500 Issue # 59

Focus - Dealing with Aloof Persons

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Dealing with Aloof Persons
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In the role of the aloof, we distance ourselves from others, avoiding
meaningful or honest emotional contact. In this way, we are less likely to
be hurt or controlled by people¢s negative emotions, requests or demands.

1. We hide from the intimidator¢s attack, the interrogator¢s inquisition and
the victim¢s complaints.

2. In addition to protecting ourselves by distancing ourselves, and not
expressing much of our feelings, either positively or negatively, we also
"gain" self-worth by making others seek out contact with us.

Some of us aloofs are secretly hoping someone will approach us and desire
our attention. We covertly desire their attention, but cannot free ourselves
from our role to approach them. The approached receives energy and
affirmation from the one who approaches him, seeking his or her company.

If the victim controls others through their feelings of responsibility and
guilt, the Aloof controls others through their need for contact with him as
he denies his attention and emotional exchange.

We can help the Aloofs in our lives by first freeing ourselves from any
ideas that they are not communicating with us because we have done something
wrong. If they want to wear a long silent face, let them. That is their
right. Let them have accept responsibility for the reality they choose to
create.

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How I would like to deal with an Aloof Person

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I would like to remember that he has a problem and is closed up because he
fears being open. I want also to remember that I am not to blame for this
reaction. I want to remember that I am worthy and safe and can solve my
problems even if he never opens up.

I will stop pressuring him and give him space to be alone so that he will
gradually begin to feel his own need for contact with me.

I will explain to him that I need and want more communication but that I see
the negative results of pressuring or nagging him about it. I will also
explain that I will be overjoyed if he would approach me when he feels the
need to communicate more deeply, but that, until that time, I am going to
start taking responsibility for my needs and my life.

I am going to stop feeling that I am to blame for his silence and am going
to start engaging in various activities which fulfill me and give meaning to
my life. I will also explain that I would be very happy for him to partake
in any of those activities with me, should he wish.

I am going to stop waiting for him to open up and will start paying
attention to my responsibilities, to my creativity, to my learning and
growth process. I have so many other things in my life that can give me
happiness. And when he is in the mood, I will enjoy my communication with
him.

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I-message to an Aloof Person

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We can perhaps communicate with the Aloof by expressing something like this:
"Dear, I have something important I would like to express to you, and if you
want to answer me, that would be fine. There are times in when you are
silent, inexpressive or even seem sad or angry. At those times, when I do
not know what you are feeling or thinking, I sometimes think that perhaps I
have done something that has offended or hurt you, or perhaps you do not
love me anymore. I also begin thinking you do not have enough trust in me or
do not feel close enough to me to share what you are feeling. Then I begin
to doubt my self-worth as a spouse (or perhaps parent or other role)."

"When I see you like this and make those interpretations, I sometimes
approach in an effort to find out what is happening. Sometimes you respond
and other times you do not. That bothers me even more. I feel hurt and
believe you do not care about me and our relationship."

"I now realize it doesn¢t help to pressure you to communicate with me. I am
going to try to leave that up to you. I just want you to know that I love
you and I want and need to know more about what you are feeling and
thinking. If, in fact, I have done or do something that has offended or hurt
you, I very much want to know about it. Do not protect me by not telling me
if something I do bothers you."

"I will try to leave you all the space you need to feel from within if you
want to communicate with me more deeply."

"Do you have anything you would like to tell me now?"

From the book "Relationships of Conscious Love"
http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/ebooks/index.asp by Robert Elias Najemy

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She is an Interrogator and he is Aloof

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Life Story

Anna enjoys sharing her feelings with her husband Paul. She also needs to
know what he is feeling and thinking in return. When she is unable to
communicate with him, she feels neglected and unloved.

Although Paul does love Anna, he does not enjoy communicating
as much as she does and feels
very uncomfortable sharing his feelings, mostly because he is not very
familiar with them. Also, when he is aware of his feelings, he is ashamed
to share them because he fears this will lessen his "manhood". This
constructs a conflict of needs.

The more Anna pressures Paul to open up and
communicate, the more he withdraws and avoids her.

If she pressures him too much, he angrily pushes her away.
As a result, Anna feels rejected and
unloved, while Paul feels pressured and suppressed. The more Paul avoids
Anna and does not fulfill her needs, the more negative, critical and
accusatory she becomes. In response to Anna¢s negative reactions, Paul
avoids her even more. He feels she does not understand his needs and refuses
to accept him as he is. She feels he does not love her and that he rejects
her as a woman and a partner in life. Anna is unhappy and completely
unsatisfied with her marriage. Her needs are not being fulfilled. Paul
directs his attention to other activities, such as work, sports and
recreation with friends. Both are susceptible to others of the opposite sex
who they believe will truly "understand" them.

In this case, two individuals, who actually love each other, have become
victims of their own programming and needs. Their attachments, fears and
lack of communication skills are destroying their relationship and their
happiness. They both need to understand the beliefs creating their fears and
attachments in order to put themselves in the other's position, understand
the other¢s needs, and communicate more openly and clearly.

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Possible Lessons

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Anna might need to learn some combination of the following lessons:
1. To feel safe and worthy even when she cannot share her feelings with Paul.
2. To feel close to others even when they do not open up to her.
3. To feel her self-worth even when others (especially Paul) do not respond to her .
4. To feel people's love even when they are not able to respond to her, realizing that they have problems.
5. To feel safe with persons without knowing their emotions or thoughts.
6. To solve her own problems without needing to get feedback from others.
7. To realize that she is not the victim and take responsibility for the reality she is creating.
8. To allow Paul to take responsibility for his reality and not feel that she is responsible when he is not happy.

Paul might need to learn some combination of the following lessons:
1. To accept his emotions.
2. To acknowledge his feelings and needs and share them with his wife.
3. To accept that men too feel fear and rejection and need affirmation and love.
4. To feel free to be himself and cease fearing his wife's criticism.
5. To free his self-worth from what his wife thinks and does.
6. To communicate more honestly with his wife.
7. To pay more attention to her needs.

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Possible Positive Beliefs

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In order to change the way we feel and behave, we need to change what we believe. Our beliefs create our emotions and behaviors. Let us examine some positive beliefs that they could develop so as to create a more positive reality.

Anna might benefit from developing some of the following beliefs:
1. I feel close to my husband regardless of how much he can share with me.
2. I am safe and loved even when my husband is unable to communicate.
3. Life provides me with exactly what I need in order to learn my next lesson.
4. I dynamically create my reality with or without my husband.
5. I accept and love myself regardless of his behavior.
6. I understand his difficulty to communicate and love him as he is.

Paul might benefit from developing some of the following beliefs:
1. I feel safe and comfortable communicating my feelings to my wife.
2. I accept my feelings and share them with my loved ones in order to create deeper love relationships.
3. I am free to be myself in every situation.
4. I enjoy sharing my inner world with my beloved wife.
5. In each moment life provides me with exactly what I need to learn my next lesson.

(This Life Story is one of 23 presented in the recently released book "The Psychology of Happiness" (ISBN 0-9710116-0-5) by Robert Najemy . His writings can be viewed at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com where you can download FREE articles and e-books.)

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The Psychology of Happiness by Robert Elias Najemy

The Psychology of Happiness penetrates to the heart of the subject of human
happiness in a deep and yet simple, clear and understandable manner. It
offers a variety of techniques, questionnaires and guidelines for creating
happiness. It covers many subjects including: Psychology of Evolution,
Managing Emotions, Overcoming Fear, Loving Ourselves, Facing Loneliness,
Stages of Love, Reconciling Inner Conflicts, Healing Our Inner Child,
Forgiveness and Freedom, Coping with the Death of Loved Ones. Included are
23 case histories - real life situations and the possible lessons, which we
can learn from such and similar situations.
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