CLARITY
The Psychology of Happiness
Concepts for a Happier more Harmonious life
Published every 7th and 21st of the month
June 7th , 2004 Circulation 2900 Issue # 64
Focus - Overcoming Loneliness - Part 1
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FACING AND OVERCOMING LONELINESS - part 1
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Most of us have experienced the pain of loneliness. We have each had moments
in which we have felt misunderstood, disappointed, unsupported, deserted,
isolated or alone facing the world around us. The feeling of "loneliness" is
not synonymous with "being alone". We might be physically alone, and yet
still feel close contact and unity with others, while another can be
surrounded by family, friends and society and feel a deep, painful,
penetrating loneliness.
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WE ARE CREATIONS OF UNITY
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Our life begins here on this planet with the union of two cells - the ovum
of our mother and a sperm cell from our father. We are products of the union
of two separate beings. Our physical body is the result of the attraction
and love that brought those two beings into union. We are born out of union
of love. For the first nine months of our existence, here on the physical
plane, we experience total union with our mother. We share one blood stream,
one digestive system and one respiratory system. Whatever happens to our
mother happens to us, and whatever happens to us happens to our mother. This
is true both physically and emotionally.
Then comes the traumatic experience of emerging from our
warm, secure, blissful womb into the cold, foreign and
frightening world. It is not enough that we have to face this strange, harsh
world, but then suddenly someone cuts our umbilical cord, severing our
connection to our mother. It pains. They scrub us with an irritating sponge;
the room is cold, with too much light, and people act in mechanical and
unfeeling ways. We are separated from our mother and suddenly find ourselves
ALONE - strangers in a strange land. Fortunately, nature has instilled
adults with the tendency to be loving and nurturing toward young beings of
all species.
Thus, during our first months, and hopefully years, we are more
likely to receive harmonious, loving vibrations than negative ones. Sadly,
this is not always true. Some children are born into families in which there
is a great deal of tension among its members, - i.e., parents, in-laws,
other siblings, etc. Older children may react toward us with jealousy, and
parents with tension and anger, projecting their own emotional problems onto
us.
We become aware of the conflicts between our parents and between them
and their parents. All this disappoints, confuses and disturbs us, causing
us to feel insecure and vulnerable. The less love we receive, the more
insecure we feel. The more conflict we see and feel around us, the more
confusion and conflict we experience within us. As products of two beings,
it is difficult for us to feel inner harmony unless these two beings are in
harmony with each other.
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WE HARDEN AGAINST THE WEATHER OF LIFE
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As we begin to grow and mature, we begin to develop our own personality
incorporating as many "emotional defense mechanisms" as we need in order to
feel safe and secure. The more insecure we feel, the more defense mechanisms
we develop. The greater the wall we build up around ourselves, the more
likely we are to feel alone.
As we move into adolescence, the need to develop a personality of
our own becomes a "survival need." Our parents,
teachers and society confront us with their models of who they think we
should be and how we should behave. In our need to assert our own individual
identity, we rebel. This rebellion creates an even greater feeling of
alienation and isolation from our parents, teachers and society as a whole.
This, then, may lead to stronger feelings of loneliness in which we feel
that no one understands us or cares for us. No one is able or willing to
listen to us, or if they do, it is difficult for us to express what we
really feel, and nearly impossible for them to understand what we feel and
think because they too are consumed with what they think and feel. We begin
to realize that our parents as all other beings have their faults,
weaknesses and attachments. We become disillusioned with the world.
Eventually, we feel alone, that we must face the world alone, and realize
that, just as we were born alone, that we will die alone. These
realizations, whether conscious or unconscious, cause us to develop even
stronger defense mechanisms, which isolate us even more from others and even
from ourselves. These mechanisms seek to establish a strong external ego
structure so as to protect our soft, insecure, frightened, lonely self
inside that hard external shell. This is similar to the delicate and
beautiful rose which creates many thorns to protect itself, or the soft
vulnerable turtle that would perish without its protective shell. We develop
many thorns and shells, i.e., aloofness, indifference, insensitivity,
aggressiveness, criticism, illness and cunning, in order to protect
ourselves.
These ego mechanisms create a thick wall around our psyche,
isolating us from others. Although surrounded by many people, we feel lonely
and distrustful.
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FACTORS WHICH INCREASE THE FEELING OF LONELINESS
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Loneliness is increased by the following factors: a. A lack of trust in the
people around us, b. A feeling of insecurity c. A fear that we are unable to
cope with life¢s difficulties d. The belief that we are not lovable. e. The
belief that there is no true love in the world.
These factors are further accentuated by some of the following factors,
which are present in our modern civilization.
1. The idolization of individuality in western and northern countries has
led many to the heights of loneliness as indicated by the high rate of
suicide and impersonal mass murders.
2. The "generation gap" has caused a general break down in communications
between parents and children. The rapidly changing way of life, along with
mutating values systems, makes mutual understanding difficult between the
generations. This leaves both generations feeling wronged and lonely.
3. The deterioration of the family structure, in which over fifty percent of
all marriages end up in divorce, has seriously undermined the feelings of
security and unity of belonging to a family. The deep, sure bonds of mutual
love and support have greatly diminished. Siblings might ignore each other¢s
problems, and children often leave their parents to experience a lonely
passing away in homes for the elderly. The sense of commitment in which the
family protects and supports its members is less evident than it used to be.
4. Our focus on money as a source of security and happiness causes many to
accumulate whatever they can even at the expense of others. This way of
thinking also creates the fear that others will try to do the same at our
expense, and thus we feel even more vulnerable and mistrustful, and thus
even more lonely. This fear causes us to react in such a way that we isolate
ourselves from others, increasing our loneliness. The result is an image of
fifty people riding a bus, all feeling the need for sincere communication,
but all being afraid to "risk" it.
6. Our basic obstacle to unity and communication is ego-centeredness. This
reminds me of a cartoon by Feiffer. The cartoon character confesses the
following truths:
a. I was single and lonely.
b. I got married and
discovered that I was still lonely.
c. We had children, and I was still lonely.
d. I had affairs and was lonelier than ever!
e. I got a divorce. I¢ve never been so lonely in my life.
f. My daughter and her husband gave me a dog.
g. FINALLY COMPANIONSHIP.
How is it that none of those relationships were able to give this person the
feeling of companionship that the dog manage to instill? The answer is
simple. The dog does not have an ego with which to conflict. All human
conflicts are ego conflicts.
Our ego is the wall that prevents our unity with the others.
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HOW WE USUALLY TRY TO OVERCOME LONELINESS
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Our feelings of insecurity, vulnerability and loneliness create a sensation
of emptiness within us, which is like a hole that needs to be filled. We try
in various external ways to fill that hole. In some cases, we are able to
fill it for a period of time, however, as we grow emotionally, mentally and
spiritually, those things, activities or people which once helped us to feel
whole and meaningful, lose their power to provide us with the same
contentment. Once a play doll or a little toy car was enough to fill our
minds and our time. It was our whole world, and if someone took it from us,
it was the "end of the world" - a traumatic experience. Eventually, the day
came when those objects naturally no longer satisfied us, and we sought
other ways of filling that feeling of emptiness, or lack of wholeness or
completeness. As we mature, we will obviously become frustrated with our old
"toys" and experience a feeling of emptiness until we discover our "new
toy." Let us discuss some of those "toys" which we use to temporarily fill
that emptiness we feel inside.
1. We seek union with the world around us through owning objects such as
land, houses, clothing, cars, etc. Through owning and having as our own, we
at least feel a relationship with these objects that fills our emptiness for
a period of time. For some people, this has such great meaning that it is
enough for them. Some find no fulfillment in owning, yet, others cannot feel
satisfied no matter how much they own and their need becomes an insatiable
greed.
2. We seek to distract the mind from its feeling of emptiness by saturating
our senses with sensual inputs. Thus, we do not allow the mind to turn
inward to feel its lack of peace. We fill the senses with such inputs as
foods, drink, sex, movies, TV, magazines, senseless conversation, work,
drugs, tranquilizers, alcohol, coffee, tea, cigarettes, etc., all to avoid
feeling our loneliness and emptiness. Often this need for sensual input
creates addictions that have a negative effect on our health and our
relationships.
3. A very common way in which we seek to remove the feeling of loneliness is
to create relationships and a sense of belonging. We have a need to feel
that we belong somewhere. That connection may be to a social group, a
religious group, a political group, a group that supports a particular
sports team, a family grouping, or a personal relationship with someone. We
gain a sense of identity through belonging somewhere. Yet even after fully
satisfying this need to belong, we discover that we still feel separate and
lonely.
When we try to fill our emptiness by focusing all our energies on
one person, thinking, "that person must love me and give me attention in
order for me to be happy," we make things difficult not just for ourselves,
but for the other person as well. We limit our potential for happiness and
for overcoming loneliness. The persons whom we have selected may or may not
be in a position to give us the attention and love we need. They may not be
attracted to us or may already be attached to someone else. They may not be
able to express their love or feelings. They may become ill or even depart
from the physical body. All of the approximately five billion persons on the
earth have the same need to give and take love with those around them. When
we focus solely on one person and believe that only he or she can remove our
loneliness, we ignore the other billions with whom we can communicate and
exchange care and love.
Another trap on this level is the idea that sex is the basic uniting factor
between a man and a woman. The sexual act can, in many cases,
be an opportunity for a wonderful physical, emotional and
spiritual union between two individuals, providing there also exists an
emotional and spiritual harmony between them. Otherwise it is simply a
mechanical act that leaves both parties feeling separate again some moments
or hours later. We can also experience that unity through love, devotion,
touching, hugging, caring and affectionate. Also, non-sexual expressions of
love and unity can be shared by most beings without creating the
complications associated with the sexual, i.e. attachment, expectations,
jealousy, etc.
4. Another way in which we try to fill our emptiness is to accumulate
knowledge and information about the world. This gives us a sensation of
power. The danger here is that we can develop increased false pride because
we believe we are superior or "important" because we know more than others
do. This might cause us to reject others who we believe are "ignorant."
This, of course, then deepens our loneliness.
5. We might seek to fill our emptiness through creative self-expression or
work. At the same time, we cultivate a deeper contact with that creative
source within ourselves, thus improving our relationship with ourselves. We
discover that we are not empty after all, that there is a power and fullness
within ourselves.
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SEARCHING FOR OURSELVES
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After seeking in various ways that perfect unity, we once felt as embryos in
the womb, we are still left with a feeling that something is missing. We are
still incomplete and have yet to find what we are looking for. The various
"pieces" with which we have tried to fill the hole or our emptiness do not
exactly fit.
Finally, it dawns upon us: we have been looking for our own
selves all this time. We feel lonely because we miss our real self, the self
for which Socrates was searching, the self of the reborn Christian, the self
of the liberated yogi, the self of the self-actualized being, the Christ
within us, the God within us, the spirit, the soul, our true Self. We are
something like the woman who could not find her necklace and frantically
searched everywhere for it until she turned her attention to herself only to
realize it had been hanging around her neck the entire time. When we have
tried to fill our loneliness in all the above ways and still feel a gnawing
in our heart and mind for something else, we seek to know our real self.
This self is beyond our personality, beyond our conditioning, beyond our
sex, religion, political beliefs, beyond all that we know about ourselves.
In order to do this, we might engage in any of the many religious,
philosophical or psychological systems that suit us for this work. As
discovering this ultimate solution for loneliness is a slow process, let us
look at some other more tangible ways in which we can face and overcome this
sense of emptiness.
METHODS OF FACING AND OVERCOMING LONELINESS
(Will be continued in the next issue)
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About the coach: Robert Elias Najemy is an American author of 20 books that
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hours and has produced over 500 cassettes and videocassettes with an
abundance of information on human harmony. He has trained over300 life
coaches, 40 of which now work with him at the Center for Harmonious living.
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